Query Letter corrected

Thank you so much for your help!
Now the query letter looks like this:

Dear Agent/Editor:

[An opening line about why you want to work with this particular agent or editor / why they’d be perfect for this project.] ( I will leave this to complete it when I have the name of the agents)

Glowing Shadow is my debut young adult novel, a paranormal romance complete at 85,000 words.

Muriel Blythe moved to Madrid to study psychology. She needed to get away from everything and everyone to learn how to control her gift: the supernatural gift of feeling what everyone felt around her–and making them feel whatever she felt.

But in Madrid, mysterious shadows begin to attack her, while strange lights protect her. Muriel struggles to discover what this eerie battle is all about, and why she has been drawn into the center of it. She learns she has the power to make astral trips into the present, and this helps her in her quest.

At the same time, Muriel develops strong feelings for her defender: one of the lights who, in reality, is a man. A man who makes her feel love, something she has never felt before. Muriel began to love him even when she wasn’t sure who or what he really was, but she was certain that he wasn’t totally a light–that he was something between light and shadow.


After founding why she had her supernatural gifts and that her love was forbidden, she also discovered that nothing was as she thought, that in life you must be brave and never give up what you love most.

 

Another ending:

Ultimately, Muriel discovers that nothing is as it once seemed–and that sometimes, you must be brave to keep from losing what you most love.

I love both endings the first one because it explains a little of what she discovers and the second one because it leaves the story in suspense. Now I have to make a decision.
——————————————————–

QUERY ACTUALIZED:

Dear Agent/Editor:

[An opening line about why you want to work with this particular agent or editor / why they’d be perfect for this project.] ( I will leave this to complete it when I have the name of the agents)

Glowing Shadow is my debut young adult novel, a paranormal romance complete at 85,000 words.

Muriel Blythe moved to Madrid to study psychology. She needed to get away from everything and everyone to learn how to control her gift: the supernatural gift of feeling what everyone felt around her–and making them feel whatever she felt.

But in Madrid, mysterious shadows begin to attack her, while strange lights protect her in a strange battle at full speed; at the end of the battle the only thing she sees is a pair of gray eyes that give her peace. Muriel struggles to discover what this eerie battle is all about, and why she has been drawn into the center of it. She learns she has the power to make astral trips, and this helps her in her quest.

At the same time, Muriel develops strong feelings for her defender: one of the lights who, in reality, is a man with gray eyes. A man who makes her feel love, something she has never felt before. Muriel begins to love him even when she isn’t sure who or what he really is, but she is certain that he isn’t totally a light–that he is something between light and shadow.


After finding why she had her supernatural gifts and that her love was forbidden, she also discovered that nothing was as she thought, that in life you must be brave and never give up what you love most.

 

Another ending:

Ultimately, Muriel discovers that nothing is as it once seemed–and that sometimes, you must be brave to keep from losing what you most love.

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12 comments on “Query Letter corrected

  1. I’m not great with queries, but I thought I’d point out a couple of minor grammatical things:
    1) You change verb tense in the middle of a paragraph. A man who makes her feel love, something she has never felt before. Muriel began to love him even when she wasn’t sure who or what he really was, but she was certain that he wasn’t totally a light–that he was something between light and shadow. It should probably read like this: Muriel begins to love him…when she isn’t sure…he really is,…she is certain…he isn’t totally…he is something….
    2) After founding should be after finding.
    Your story sounds very interesting 🙂

  2. It reads much better in the present tense! And you’ve simplified that first paragraph some, which helps. I’m not sure what you mean by “astral trips to the present,” though.
    I think I’d still like more specifics. Can you, in one line or so, describe the actual event when the shadows attack and the lights defend? Because I’m thinking that the love interest light guy was there, and it would be a good introduction to him, as he’s obviously an important part of the book. What I’m saying is, don’t be afraid of being specific. It’s not going to ruin the suspense, but rather, up it.

    • I ma glad it’s improving!! I think the line of astral trip I will leave it like that. She makes astral trips around her first she doesn’t starts to travel to the past and future until the sequel.
      I made that changes you suggested about adding more about the shadows attack, but I don’t know if I got it.
      You’re correct I am afraid of being specific!
      Thank you so much for your help!
      I already changed it in the post!

    • Thank you for the link! I read that about st martin press with New adult genre but the problem is many agents and publihers don’t use that genre so for them or it is young adult or is adult. For me, my book if I have to choose between both should be young adult, but the category new adult fits better.
      Thank you so much and don’t worry I really appreciate your interest and help!

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